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Articles | Becoming Powerful

Becoming Powerful: A Summary

WHAT IS POWER?
POWER IS ENERGY IN USE.

  1. Electrical power is energy (current) used against resistance.
  2. Mechanical power is energy used to move a mass through space and time.
  3. Human power is the electrical and chemical energy of Life. It keeps our hearts beating, allows us to think (make distinctions and decisions), feel emotions (anger, joy), and act (breathe, talk, walk).

WHAT ARE THE WAYS IN WHICH WE USE AND EXPRESS OUR ENERGY AS POWER?
INTELLECTUAL ENERGY
Purpose: To gather data, sort data, make distinctions, make decisions, and set directions and goals.

Disempowerments:

  1. Attempting to focus on two or more goals or different directions at the same time.
  2. Attempting to maintain or protect our sense of identity and self-esteem. A major source of unnecessary energy depletion and power struggles.
  3. Any restricting socializations or stories regarding our lack of intellectual ability.

EMOTIONAL ENERGY
Purpose: To provide motive force for the actions needed to carry-out our decisions and move toward our goals. The stronger the emotion the more strongly, forcefully, or persistently we will use our energies to move in the desired direction. Emotions are our vehicle of motivation. Without them we would all be unsuccessful couch potatoes.

Disempowerments:

  1. Pervasive teachings and stories regarding the pejorative and disadvantageous nature of emotions that pressure us to constrain our emotions.
  2. Constraining or restraining our emotions often conflicts with other goals.
  3. Constraining or restraining our emotions limits our ability to achieve our goals.

PHYSICAL ENERGY
Purpose: To implement our decisions and directions in the practical, physical world.

Disempowerments:

  1. Any disempowerment of our intellectual or physical energy will reduce the effectiveness with which we will use our physical energy to accomplish our goals.
  2. Dietary and fitness habits which keep us from maximizing our physical energy and health. Proper diet, enough exercise, and enough sleep maximize our physical energy.

As we waste less and less of our energy struggling with conflicting goals, protecting our identity and self esteem, and otherwise constraining our intellectual, emotional, and physical energy, we empower ourselves to achieve more, to make a bigger difference in the world, and to experience our inner power-a spiritual experience for many.

HOW CAN WE USE OUR ENERGY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS?
INTENTIONAL INFLUENCE The use of energy toward attaining the agreement (tacit or otherwise) of others to use their energy on our behalf. There is little in our personal or professional lives that we can accomplish without the assistance of others; accordingly, we need to influence others to use their energy on behalf of our decisions and directions.

FOUR PRINCIPLES OF INFLUENCE

  1. We can only be influenced if we choose to be so influenced.
  2. We can only influence others if they choose to be so influenced.
  3. If a person chooses to be influenced, the amount of influence allowed will be in proportion to…
    • The quality of relationship experienced by the person allowing the influence.
    • The degree of dependency on the influencing person experienced.

THE SIX CHANNELS THROUGH WHICH INFLUENCE CAN BE INITIATED

  1. Position - The willingness or unwillingness to be influenced because of someone's perceived position. Relevant positions could include boss, parent, husband or teacher and, conversely, positions such as subordinate, child, or student.
  2. Coercion - The willingness or unwillingness to be influenced by a perceived threat of some negative consequence.
  3. Reward - The willingness or unwillingness to be influenced by the perceived possibility of receiving a desired reward.
  4. Expertise - The willingness or unwillingness to be influenced from respect for another's skill or knowledge.
  5. Attraction - The willingness or unwillingness to be influenced by…
    • A perceived reputation or prestige
    • Some perceived special quality such as friendliness, intelligence, beauty, composure, or sexuality.
  6. Group Affiliation - The willingness or unwillingness to be influenced by a perceived sense of mutual bond based upon…
    • A common cause (e.g., women's rights, work group goals)
    • A common group membership (e.g., an ethnic group, profession, fraternity, family, social group, or network).

HOW IS INFLUENCE MAINTAINED?
EQUITY: OUR SENSE OF FAIRNESS
Equity is a subjective sense of whether or not we are getting as much as we are giving and giving as much as we are getting-a "fair" exchange. The higher the sense of equity or fairness experienced in a relationship the more influence is allowed. Conversely, the lower the sense of equity the less influence is allowed.

THE THREE LEVELS OF EQUITY

  1. High Equity. Experienced when one is receiving all that one believes is fair. In High Equity, a high level of influence continues or resumes. Such relationships are experienced as satisfying.
  2. Low Equity. Experienced when one is receiving less than is believed is fair or when unfairness is experienced. In Low Equity, lower levels of influence are allowed in proportion to the lower levels of influence allowed by the other person.

    In some cases low levels of influence are allowed to continue…
    • In hope that a higher equity will be achieved
    • Because it is believed that nothing can be done that won't make matters even worse
    Many low equity relationships are maintained through a negative sense of "fairness" based on giving pain in return for pain received in the Biblical sense of "eye for an eye."
  3. Too Low Equity. Experienced when the sense of low equity is perceived as having become too low for too long. In this state, we will no longer allow any amount of influence and will end the relationship all together.

    If we curtail the low equity relationships in our lives we will dramatically increase our productivity and sense of satisfaction at work and at home. Accordingly, empower yourself by identifying the low equity relationships in your life, then move them to high equity or get rid of them altogether-too low equity.

WHY DO WE GET INTO POWER STRUGGLES?
We will find ourselves in power struggles whenever we have hooked or attached our sense of identity and self-esteem to winning or not losing. We demonstrate being "hooked" by insisting on…

  1. Being "right" about our ways of or rules for using or expressing our intellectual, emotional, and physical energies in contrast to the "wrong" ways of someone else.
  2. Being "right" about our ways of using any of the six channels of influence in contrast to the "wrong" ways of someone else.
  3. Being "right" about our ways of gaining or maintaining Equity in contrast to the "wrong" ways of someone else.

HOW CAN WE EMPOWER OURSELVES AND CREATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH HIGH EQUITY?
EMPOWERMENT
Those acts of supporting one's self or others to self-discover their own Inherent Excellence.

ELEVEN WAYS WE CAN EMPOWER OURSELVES AND OTHERS
To improve or maintain a mutual sense of power and equity:

  1. Choose to play the game of power from the Infinite, win/win perspective in which everyone can be satisfied rather than the Finite, win/lose perspective.
  2. Choose to experience and acknowledge the Inherent Excellence of yourself and every human being.
  3. Create an environment of safety and respect by valuing and learning from any differences of perspective, opinion, belief, and appearances through:
    • Expressing genuine curiosity about what the other person is feeling, wanting, and thinking. Don't assume that you know how they feel, what they want, what they are thinking, or what their motivations are-ask, instead!
    • Expressing genuine appreciation for whatever s/he is feeling, wanting, and thinking.
    • Expressing genuine interest in whatever s/he is feeling, wanting, and thinking.
  4. Be clear about what you want from the other person in terms of the specific behavior(s) you desire. Knowing that you want respect, love, or appreciation is not specific enough. What would you have the person actually do for you so that you would know that you are respected, loved, or appreciated?
  5. Check to see if there are more important desires behind what you say you want from the other person. Does money represent security, success, self-esteem to you? What would a kiss represent to you? The same kind of things? Something else? Go for what you really want while being clear who has the ability to give it to you! You may be the person most able to give yourself what you want.
  6. Tell the other person clearly and specifically what you want if you are to continue using your energy on their behalf. Stay open about this! Through discussion you may discover that something else might satisfy you as much as or better than your initial thoughts about what you want.
  7. Continue discussion with the goal of maintaining the relationship through getting what you want and giving what s/he wants.
    • Be patient with yourself and the other person
    • Be persistent until both of you are fully satisfied.
    • Be passionate about wanting high equity for both of you.
  8. Think up a range of choices from which you and they might choose. Don't fall into the either/or, win/lose trap of the Finite Game of Power-there are always many more than two choices available! Create choices that will support your and their well-being. Don't bother so much with the "shoulds" with which we have been raised.
  9. When your patience is at an end after reviving it several times over several days or weeks, end the discussion and the relationship. You can get what you want somewhere else in some other way. Ask friends that believe in you for help.
  10. Develop support systems to remind you of these guidelines when you forget them.
  11. Play the game of power well and joy without putting your sense of self-esteem or approval on the line.